there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
