And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
