i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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