when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
