so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
