He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
