Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
