P.S. I can't hear my feet
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There's always time for handjobs
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
