her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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