Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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