Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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