My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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