dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
