My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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