new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
