You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
