I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
