Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
