Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
