More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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