NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
