We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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