The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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