He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
