Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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