You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
