Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
