If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
