Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
