i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
