either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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