he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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