Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Randomize
