Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
