his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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