Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize