We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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