Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
