thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
