I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
