i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
