The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
