Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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