..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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