What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
