I wish I could punch you in the face.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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