Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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