Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
