Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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