so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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