I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
