They should really pass out barf bags in church
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
